Clip of the week...

It's been a while since I've seen this. It never fails to crack me up. And you know how I am with cheesy humor:



Have a wonderful week, folks.

They're coming in from the air ducts! Stay frosty...

My house is starting to resemble a science fiction movie. If you've seen Aliens or Starship Troopers, you will understand the analogy.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a trail of ants running the length of the garage. They started in a little hole near the garage door (in that seam of concrete slab between the driveway and the garage) and marched all the way back to underneath the washer. I couldn't figure out where they were going, but I didn't care. I try to be pretty zen about stuff, but I do NOT like ants. I poured not one, but two small bottles of water and about four ounces of 409 down the hole, and it never even bubbled up. I figured there must be an entire colony of the damn things down there. I bought traps, and those little ant hotel poison things to bait them and encourage them to take poison down to share with their buddies after a hard day's work. They slowed down to a trickle.

About two weeks ago, I went to feed my dog, and they had found their way into the house and into the coat closet. The bag of food was teeming with them. I took it outside and threw it out, tried to get rid of the little buggers (they had levelled up in my mind, and were now "BuggerAnts", not just "Ants"). I cleaned and cleaned and tried to rid myself of them. I bought an airtight container for Maggie's food, and thought they were gone. About a week ago I came home, and they had made their way from the coat closet in that same mighty trail I had seen in the garage--a fifteen foot long line of them to Maggie's bowl. Argh. I started only putting food out for her when she might actually eat it (she doesn't have a huge appetite, and only eats when I'm around anyway).

Then, they started popping up in the bathrooms. Both of them. I cleaned both furiously. They popped up on Thing 2's bedroom, because he left a piece of art they made in school on his desk--it was one of those paste-pasta-to-some-cardstock things. We ditched the art, and cleaned his room. They popped up in the coat closet again, wandering out to Maggie's dish which one of the boys had overfilled with food. I cleaned that again. (I can picture Hudson shouting "Game over, man! Game over!" as I battle the ants.)

This weekend, I came home from Discovery Kingdom (see my last post). They had come in through the walls in the kitchen and were marching out through a tiny opening between the window trim and the wall and were enjoying themselves in the kitchen sink. I cleaned the kitchen. They came up in the same place, also came out through a switchplate/outlet interface in the wall, and also came out another tiny opening between the counter and the cabinet. They have levelled up again to Boss level and are now "FugginAnts". (The battle scene is more desperate--now I am quoting Hudson's line: "You want some? Oh, YOU want some? YOU WANT SOME?!? as I spray.)

I keep cleaning, they keep coming. I think I should go down there with some major abatement tools and kill the little beetches, but I am scared now. There must be a Metropolis of them under the house somewhere, and they have probably started a militia. I can see them dragging me underground--the same fate Hudson met with. If you have any ideas, I am open to suggestions.

Don't waste your time and/or money...

[Dear readers: this is a long blog, and there are a lot of italicized words (see, one just went by). This is a sure sign that I am not pleased. So brace yourself. You have been warned.]

Unless you really love the animal/sea creature experience, don't bother going to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.

Now, you know and I know (and I told the kids) that amusement parks are all about the waiting. You spend an hour in line, take a 1-2 minute thrill ride, and you love it because it's worth it. Not so at this park. For some reason I cannot fathom, the majority of the rides we chose had only one car running on them. In the middle of their most peak time--summer weekend day, beautiful weather--they had one car running on ROAR (the 'tallest, fastest wooden coaster in NorCal'). They had a whopping two cars (well, boats really) on their get-drenched-by-water ride (which was only a 45 second ride but still took over an hour to get on).

To that wait, you can add a dizzying and death-defying surprise wait time extension: Discovery Kingdom has tried to add a "Fast Pass" feature to their park. Disney has one, and if you are not familiar with it, it is implemented perfectly. You scan your admission ticket to get a pass which allows you to take a shorter line on the most popular rides. You have to come back during a one hour window, and you cannot get another fast pass until that window arrives. It is brilliant, and with a little forethought and planning enables you to see much more of the park.

Discovery Kingdom's works like this: you pay *extra* money to get a handful of ride coupons that allow you to--get this--cut to the front of the line through the exit ramp. There is no rhyme or reason to it, you just walk up, someone in a DK costume (yes, I get the Donkey Kong reference--it was intentional) takes your ticket, and you walk right on to wherever you choose to sit. Imagine my children's chagrin when, after waiting an hour and a half for their first ride in the park, we were delayed again when we were only two spots from getting on the ride. Someone walked right up and stole one of our seat rows, forcing us to wait not one more run, but two more. And that could have gone on indefinitely.

To make matters worse, the place was staffed horribly. Having managed a retail food operation before, I can appreciate the challenges faced by employers in that arena, but here are a few highlights: the food booth we chose to eat at was staffed by three--yes, three--employees. One at the fryer, cooking up batches of chicken strips and fries (how would you like that job?), and one in each of two windows. So each order took about 3-5 minutes to get to the customer, which with a line of twenty people would equal...oh, look, mommy! We get to wait an hour for our FOOD, too! (I will save the irony of waiting nearly an hour for "Fast" food for another time, and a different blog.)

And not only were they understaffed, they were wrongstaffed. On one of the rides, the operator at the board stood talking casually with another employee and DOING HER MAKEUP WITH AN OPEN COMPACT. How is that for making you feel safe? Not to mention that I witnessed this delightful little spectacle on the water ride, which was moving intolerably slow in the first place. It's a one-minute long ride, for chrissake! And the control panel was literally right next to the line--she had the guts to do her makeup and have her little gossipy chat with her friend right within earshot of all of us in line. When I got up next to them, I simply leaned it and made eye contact, letting them know how fascinating I thought their conversation was. They actually focused on their work after that, for all of ten minutes.

In addition to this loveliness, DK has also instituted a little hidden fee move that is corporate america genius. I had asked the kids to bring along a hoodie for later in the evening when it got chilly, and thought I would just drop them in a locker on the way in. Guess how much a smallish locker cost at the front entrance? NINE BUCKS. I looked at my little group and declared, 'Gentlemen, for nine bucks you can tie your hoodie around your waist and carry it.' I was flummoxed, but not too much so. You see, in the past, they used to have little cubby holes (ala those spaces you had in Kindergarten for your backpack) that you could store your belongings in while you were on the ride. You just crossed the car, put your bag in a cubby, rode the ride, and picked up your stuff on the way to the exit ramp. I figured we would just carry all our stuff and drop it in the cubbies when we got on rides. It would be a pain, but we could work it.

Nuh-uh. See, they now have a park RULE that says you cannot carry ANY items on rides. And--here is the corporate america genius part--they have lockers at the entrance to those rides that you can put your junk in for a dollar. Lest you think you might be clever and use one of those lockers instead, they are time stamped for 120 minutes. Nothing like a hidden charge on every single ride to make you feel like you really are going to enjoy your stay at the park.

And the good stuff doesn't stop there--there are 48" flat screen monitors on nearly every line blaring out advertisements so loud that you have to yell to be heard by the rest of the people in your party. And several of the rides are "sponsored" by companies--Cornnuts, for example--with logos everywhere ala the professional sports venues (which is a kvetch for another time--boy does that little practice shout "we're money grubbing bastages and we don't care if you know it or not"). Speaking of advertising, every single ride we went on had a GEICO ad just before the end of the line: "You are 15 minutes away from the ride. In that amount of time, you could have saved 15% on your car insurance." I shit you not.

Going back to the people we encountered--the DK uniform consists of a neon yellow shirt and khakis. The neon yellow shirt says on the back: "Please keep the park clean, my family comes here too". I wonder if the employees ever read it. Their attitude doesn't indicate that they are even aware it is there. (Google that phrase and you'll find some acerbic reviews by other guests that will confirm my experience was not isolated.)

Oh, and lest you think the visit there was all about the folks who worked there, let me assure you it was not. On walking into the park, we were not handed a map or a schedule or anything. After the main locker incident, I realized they had forgotten (I try to assume the best) to give us a map. I sent Thing 1 to get one, and he returned upset and sullen. I asked why, and he said, 'I picked up a map, and someone snatched it right out of my hand'. I tried to comfort him (again, trying to assume the best), but found I was the confused one. The people at that park were messy, rude and selfish. We saw line hopping like we never had in our lives--I counted no less than forty-five people passing us during our time waiting in line for a ride. That is no exaggeration. People walked by us in both directions like it was a high school dance or something. And right in front of employees who are supposed to enforce the line hop rule (guess they were too busy forcing people to store their stuff in lockers to notice).

Now, look--there are some saving graces at this park. I absolutely LOVE the stingray petting tank, and the shark exhibit. There is a wonderful butterfly conservatory there--a big giant greenhouse with beautiful butterflies in it (we missed it because it is not open the whole day, and we wasted all our time in line, but I went the last time I was there). There are some good shows (the Shouka killer whale show is their piece de resistance). But the rest of the animals look drugged and penned in too small spaces, and the reptile exhibit is no better than our local fish store's.

We got to ride a new attraction (only open 10 days ago) called Tony Hawk's Big Spin, and that ride was AWESOME. They managed to effectively steal a page from the Disney playbook and actually involve you all along the line. There is semi-cool set dressing, and big screens showing the evolution of not just skateboarding, but other extreme sports as well (BMX and FMX, chiefly). Non-Disney parks don't typically do this, and I cannot figure out why. And the ride itself was very cool--imagine combining a tight, smooth, fast rollercoaster with a Tilt-A-Whirl and you'll get a brief idea. And, instead of one of those snap-a-photo-of-you-during-the-ride booths at the end, you can actually get a video of yourself during the ride. Pretty fun, but not enough to save the rest of the experience, which was mostly dreadful.

I was going to argue that it's close to you if you live in Northern California, but after I thought about it a bit, it takes 45 min even if there is no event at the old Sears Point Raceway. You're better off driving an extra hour to Great America, where the rides are 'hecka fun' as Thing 1 says, the place is clean, and the service is better. Or, if you want to stay local, hit the Sonoma County Fair in the next week or so.

Web Art 101...

Well, I have Cara to thank for this:



It's a custom word cloud application called "Wordle" that takes the text from any webpage and makes art out of it. Mine is generated from this blog, as of today (you probably already figured that out). You should go try it yourself.

I used a different application to try this for my tags (if you checked in here in the last couple of days, you may have seen it) but wasn't happy with the result. Instead of just clouding tags, it clouded everything on the page, and not as pretty as Wordle does. If you know of anything that might work, I'm in the market, as it were. ;o)

I'm going to make one out of the front page of the New York Times, just for giggles.

Why Sunset magazine rocks...

Well, there are several reasons, actually, but one in particular warrants a look. How does this sound for dinner:

+ Skillet-roasted edamame
+ Deviled cucumber cups
+ Corn soup with roasted poblanos and zucchini blossoms
+ Tomato and herb salad (with fresh chive cheese)
+ Rosemary potatoes Anna
+ Pattypan squash with eggs
+ Watermelon, cantaloupe, and honeydew melon sorbets

And to drink: Peppermint lemongrass tisane, summer wheat beer, Chardonnay, Syrah

I don't know about you, but it sounds pretty tasty to me. I am a meat lover (sorry, vegetarian readers), so I would have liked to see a chop or steak or something on the menu. But here's the catch: it was all made using ingredients grown or hand-produced in a small plot of land over one year. ALL of it. They pressed their own olives to make olive oil for cooking, made their own honey and cheese and wine and beer, grew the ingredients...

Granted, they had teams devoted to each major category ("Team Cheese", por ejemplo), and a single guy with two lads and two careers does not have the time to do all the work they did, but still. This is something I have wanted to do for a very long time--since way before "carbon footprint" became a vogue phrase. I have longed to have a place where I could make my own foodstuffs, including preserving meats and fruits, and canning and brewing. I would love to make my own soap, candles, woven fabrics and the like. Few things appeal to me as much as living off my labor and the land.

Go read the article online. I don't think it is quite as good as the print version, in terms of layout and such, but the information is there, and you can learn all about the various things they had to learn and do to make the feast happen.

I wonder what their little plot looks like now?

Time to fire the copy editor...

Okay, I saw this and had to share:



I'd like to be a REALLY BIG loser, Alex. Wait, if I'm a really big loser, won't I stop being really big? And is being thin being a loser? If so, why lose weight at all? ummmm...there are multiple ways to read into this copy, and none of them support the product the ad is trying to sell.

Perhaps the copy writer was unintentionally saying what most of us know to be true already: image is not in any way connected to your weight. Health, maybe, but this ad is clearly not targeting those with health issues. We are going for the brunette coed look. (Perhaps they could use the same stock photo for their anti-aging cream?)

I'm going to have one of these just out of spite.

Screw this! I'm going home...

Alright, I am not doing any more time travel. I looked at my blog page two nights ago, and realized the last entries are nothing more than signposts directing you, my dear faithful readers, to old news. I got to thinking that, if I keep posting backlog blogs ("backblogs"?) at this rate, I might get caught up in a couple weeks, but by then you will have fourteen entries of me linking up five of the past. What sense does that make? Nada mucho, Taquito. Besides, I am buried enough in life as it is. I am so overwhelmed, the last time I tried to post I sat and stared at the computer for a good five minutes, and nothing came out my fingers. Sad.

Some parents use "time outs" as a punishment for kids. For those of you who may not know what a "time out" is, it basically consists of sitting a kid down and forcing him to do nothing--or at least stop doing whatever it was the child was doing that the parent wanted stopped. In the old days, we were "sent to our rooms"--I think the time out is a modern version of sending children to their rooms, since modern families never seem to be home. Which might be why the kids are acting out. But I digress.

Anyhoo, lotsa--a colloquialism that equals unit of measure roughly two "bunches" in size--parents give time outs as punishment. ('Stop it, Bobby! You're in time out!') What they are really for, though, is to give the child a moment to sort out what s/he is doing, why it might be wrong, and cool down and get some perspective on life. Then they are able to (in theory) conduct themselves in a manner appropriate for the situation. The research I read recommended one minute in time out (when enforced) for each year of the child's life.

Which means I will be back in...about forty minutes.

More catch up...

I swear, I'm going as fast as I can...

Two about my housewarming party: before and after

One about my car shopping trip

And a long-lost clip of the week

The rest of my life currently is all about catching up as well. I feel behind the 8-ball in most areas of life, and I am not sure how much of it is my brain, and how much of it is actually life kicking me in the face. Hopefully things will settle down, I will get the ship under control, and we will see some smoother water soon.

Back up and online again...

So, I now have my computer back, and the data is intact. I simply cannot express how much of a woohoo that warrants, but you could probably hear it for a good thirty mile radius when I got back online.

Some more time travel posts--I swear I won't keep doing this:

Two more about my travel woes here and here.

A blog about some exciting theater news here.

A quick movie review here.

Enjoy. I will get you back up to speed as quickly as I can.

Five from the past...

My computer is still sick, but I did manage to time travel a bit from some drafts on my work computer. (Scandalous, I know, working on personal stuff at my place of business.) There are five posts for you to catch up on, if you are one of "those" people (I know I am):

Two about the truck: here and here
My visit to Zeum
More about the truck, and Rabbit Hole
And the clip of the week from a week and a half ago

In other news....

The company I work for is actually two offices and my desk. It is in a building that houses a manufacturing facility that builds and sells infrared detectors. The kitchen/break room is right near my desk, so I often have the pleasure of listening to everyone talk during breaks and lunch, and get to hear their monthly meeting. This month's topic: 4th of July safety. I get irritated in general that they don't just close the door, despite my many passive-aggressive attempts to shut it when they are in the middle of their meeting. But this one for some reason really bugged me. What business is it of theirs to tell people (for fifteen minutes, nonetheless) about the dangers of illegal fireworks? The tenor of the whole thing was "see how much we care about you, our employees?" Not that they actually did--it just felt like they were trying to show that they did. Ick.

Broken machines...

Remember me? It's been a while since last you heard from me, right? Well, life has been just crazy busy, and I have been keeping notes in the "drafts", but I just haven't gotten around to polishing and posting them. Here are some highlights, however:

My truck is in a coma. I think it was bitten by a vampire--it only runs when it's dark and cool. In the heat and sun, it won't start. I have put a ton of work into it to try to salvage the poor thing--it is only 1100 miles from 300K on the original engine, and I love it so--but it is just not happening.

My computer died last night. I worked on it in the evening, but when I tried to start it later last night, it loaded everything up except the taskbar and icons. It will still run the screensaver, and I can give it the ol' three fingered salute to pull up the task manager and/or restart, but no actual applications or running or anything. I was going to time-travel my posts last night, and lo! it ain't workin' any more. Not only that, but I fear for the data on that machine now...

Don't hand me anything of yours that requires starting, because apparently my starting aura is faulty right now. I will try to get things back up and running as soon as I can.

Picking a new ride...

Well, I am in the market, as it were. On Sunday, I took a bit of time and went to this huge strip of car dealerships near where I live. The last time I went shopping for a car for myself, I did all this research, only to find that my top two choices were too small for me to fit into. So this time I figured, 'I'll just go sit in a few cars and see which I like first.' After all, if you are going to spend some time in the thing, you should like the environment, right?

I am apparently all about the small SUV class of vehicles. Being a pickup owner for so long, I have grown VERY fond of being up high and seeing the traffic patterns and the road ahead. But a pickup won't work with two boys getting so big, and a dog, and if I want to have anyone else tag along, I have the lovely awkward situation of asking if we can take their car. Does not make me feel like a grown-up. In addition, I need something that will hold luggage for four (overnight bags, probably) and have a luggage rack. This is for those travel games of hockey, where one does not want the Reeking Bag of Sweaty Wet Hockey Gear in the vehicle stinking up the ride home.

So, I put my butt in several cars of this class: Nissan's XTerra, the Ford Escape and Mercury Mariner, the Toyota Highlander (THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!), the Saturn Vue, and the Mazda Tribute. It was amusing watching the poor salesfolk flounder for something to say when I told them I was not interested in anything but trying one on for size. "Don't you want to at least test drive it?" Nope. Just want to see what it's like. Give me your card and I'll call you later to drive it if I like the way it fits. Of the above list, I narrowed it down to the Escape, Vue and Highlander. We'll see who has the best ride in the next day or so.