With heart on sleeve (part 2 of 2)...

(today's post is a continuation of this one...)

Part of me is interested--and always has been, on a deep level--in spiritual growth. I had been feeling parched in that area, and May Day was coming up. Last year, I had heard that the Apple Tree Morris dance team in Sebastopol danced up the dawn on May Day, but I was unable to go. I was resolved to get myself there this year to experience it. So I posted this status on Facebook:

David Yen is getting up before dawn tomorrow to go to the Morris Dance in Sebastopol. Welcome, dawn!

As intimated in yesterday's post, things with "Bob" (his temporary Living Loud alias) were going down hill like a snowball. Here is the next step:

Bob at 6:38pm April 30
In this crazy town ( your old home town ) they're always dancing and shaking their tootsies over something...usually to celebrate the changing cycle of the inner child. All aboard Sufi dancers !! Need a wake-up call ?

When I got back from the dance, I posted:

David Yen danced the Abrams today.

Among other replies, I received these:

Bob at 10:50am May 1
Ah, Jewish dancing !

Bob at 6:41pm May 1
Do you have to have "personal body lubricant' available when doing this dance ? Most activities in Sebastopol call for it...Some venues even check for it at the door !

This was finally too much for me. This was something I was doing for spiritual development, remember, and Bob had taken it from joking about it, to mocking it, to just being downright offensive. I wrote Bob separately--here is the exchange:

[Me] at 12:18am May 2
hey! thanks for thinking of me, and for all the posts on my status, but can you let me be serious from time to time? i know you are just teasing, but still.... {:o\

Bob at 6:28am May 2
Take care little grasshopper. I will leave you alone. You are where I was 15-20 years ago in life. You too will be amused when you get alittle older and look back at what you now take so seriously. I, too, have my serious side but I keep it off the streets.
Much love. Seriously.
[Bob]

Did you see that? A simple request to tone it down a notch, and I was met with condescension. As if I am going to be exactly where he is now in '15-20' years. As if 'what I take seriously' is merely a distraction, some minor little activity that I will look back at when I am older and smile, thinking how silly it all was. Argh. I decided, 'all right--this is no longer worth my time. I will try to salvage what I can of the relationship and let it go.' Here is what transpired next:

[Me] at 9:59am May 2
thank you, sir. i am quite amused quite frequently, actually--it is just hard to tell sometimes on this little phenomenon when one is being silly, and when one wants to share things that matter. it's hard to type wry sarcasm. ;o)

Bob at 6:43pm May 2
My dear David,
Here's a thought to ponder as the evening sky draws over us all : You have 351 friends listed on FB however you're the only one that wrote to me suggesting my teasing you was.shall we say,insensitive ? Moral...You ARE your best friend !
The interesting thing about FB is it's like a dance floor and most people are wallflowers content to read others correspondence. The dark side of FB, I've found,is it can serve as a dairy where you enter thoughts you really do NOT mean to share with anyone.

I try and write funny things, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes silly but ALWAYS with no intent to injure....

Your 'Friends' all adore you...I'm simply the one that says "The emperor has no clothes!"

In re-reading all this, I started to get a little steamed again. But then I realized that Bob, in his tactless, insensitive way, proved my point perfectly. In his almost-apology, he basically says, 'well, it's your fault for posting something real about yourself, not mine for responding with sarcasm, disrespect and condescension.' I agree with the first half. The social networking site has become a place to stay in touch, but not to be real. It is an electronic version of that exchange where a person says to you, 'how are you?' instead of 'hello', and is shocked when you respond with the truth.

I am not that person.

If you don't have the presence of mind to say hello or render a greeting instead of asking me how I am doing, you will receive my attention, my eye contact, and my truthful response. If I post a status of "what's on my mind" (the Facebook lead-in for the status update box), it will be honest and real. I do not allow myself to wear my heart anywhere but on my own sleeve. This has gotten me into heaps of trouble in my life, and I believe it is chief among the reasons why deep friendships often elude me. But it also allows me to sleep with myself at night with the knowledge that I have been honest and open in a world that refutes those qualities, directly and indirectly, on a daily basis. I mean to share everything about myself, and will continue to do so. There are few who can really handle life on an edgy, loud, full-throttle level. I understand this, and don't think less of anyone for it.

I asked one of my best friends, a person who has been there for me for many years and knows more about me than most, for his honest feedback about me. He told me, among other things, that I have a tendency to dwell on the negative--citing, among other things, the divorce, not getting to spend the time with my kids that I would like, and my financial woes. I was a little put off by this, but realized that he is right, I can get stuck on those topics some times. But the bottom line is that, while I don't want to sound like a broken record, I will not change the way I live to make other people comfortable. It is not healthy for me, and it is not healthy for our society. That, perhaps, is the Quixotic truth of my life.

And that is what makes the blog an important place for me. Here, you can read and judge to whatever extent you like, and neither of us is hurt or made uncomfortable by your reaction. Here, I can be honest, and if you don't like it--if you meant to say 'hi' instead of 'how are you?', you can click your way to freedom instantly, without the awkwardness of finding a conversation breaker so you can go back to *your* life.

Thank you for reading.