Five things--not an easy post...

So, Cara tagged me in her blog and asked me to respond. If you are anything like I am (and I bet you are), this will be a very hard question to answer:

What are five things you’ve said or done in the past twelve months that you’re most proud of?

Interesting, since, I could easily pop off five things in the past twelve hours that I feel poorly about. Why is it that we are so good at self-criticism, but so poor at self-honor? Perhaps for me it is because I believe so firmly that self-aggrandization is a bad, bad thing. ("It's like that fella Bill Shakespeare once said: a man who blows his own horn usually ain't worth a toot.") That translates to me avoiding it like the plague, which ends up meaning I am (a) all about trying to let my deeds to the talkin', and (b) oblivious to things that are good about me. (In fact, just writing that last made me cringe.)

However, because I am also up for a good challenge, here goes:

1. I have survived.
If you read my last post, you know the last twelve months have been stressful. In the face of losing several friends and one family member, changing careers and seeing my dream work environment turn into a nightmare, ending a relationship of nearly eighteen years at the behest of the other half, losing my retirement account, moving twice, and losing my favorite vehicle of ten years, it has not been a smooth sail. Cara took credit for staying alive through a tough time; I will do the same. I believe that in the course of those human events, I have emerged a stronger, different, better person, and have a stronger faith, greater wisdom, and better understanding as a result.

2. My life balance is good.
I'm not feeling it right at this moment, mind you, because my rehearsal schedule is grueling (we open Friday). But in general, I have time with my kids, a job I can do that pays well and is flexible with the kids and the acting thing, and I have some fun times with friends. I am busy, as I always have been, but it is good busy now, for the most part.

3. My theater career has taken off.
Also in the past year, things performing-wise have gone off the chart. I worked all last summer on an amazing project--we did a version of Macbeth with only five actors. One played Macbeth, and the other four of us played very antagonistic witches, who shapeshifted from one character to another in an attempt to get the poor Scot into lots and lots of trouble. At the last minute (four weeks from open), I was asked to jump into the lead. It was very tough, but I felt so accomplished afterward. Over the holidays I co-produced a version of "A Christmas Carol" that was moderately successful. Then in the spring I did "The Wizard of Oz" at the Mountain Play, a 3,800 seat amphitheater on the top of Mount Tamalpais. It was my first experience working with a big, professional theater like that one. I did a number of spoken word pieces, including the incredibly thought-provoking "Guantanemo" in May. Now I am working on "The Music Man". It has been an incredible year.

4. I have let myself get close to someone.
This has not been easy. I have some serious self-esteem issues (had them before the divorce, now they are amplified). I have deep-seated questions about how good I am for someone else in a long-term relationship, and that has of course colored my opinions about how good I can be for someone else in even a casual relationship. But I am trying to release that crap and just enjoy myself and grow. The result is that I am growing closer to one particular young lady who is a blessing and has helped me to see things about myself that I never really did.

5. I have started molding a new faith for myself.
I spent nearly two decades in one particular faith, and events led me to re-evaluate my position on the whole faith issue. I have spent the last three years snooping around in other gods' laundry, and have found some interesting things. I don't have a label for what I believe, and it isn't easy to describe. The idea of karma weighs in heavily, and so does string theory. In a nutshell, however, I have experienced it practically in a bevy of blessings that are in direct relation to the outlandishly tough things I have experienced in life.

There you have it. In retrospect, it looks like a lot of global-type things, and not very specific, so perhaps I should do more work here. But it is nice to get a perspective on things. I can tend to get bogged down in little details, and lose gratitude when I don't keep the good in mind.

Got your own list? Make it. You'll feel better.