Making the Edges Ragged, (Pt. 3 of 3)...

On the Saturday morning after Christmas, we drove to Anaheim (about an 8 hr drive, depending on how many stops you have to make to utilize the filthy road bathrooms). When we got to town, we had a bit of an adventure trying to find our hotel, but eventually we found it and checked in. After quickly throwing our stuff in the room, Denise treated us all to dinner at Medieval Times. (It was a surprise for the boys, and my first time). We got seated in the front row of the Green knight's section—Leon, as it turns out, is the enemy of the court. The food was not bad, the fighting was top notch, and it was super exciting to root for the bad guy for a change. I was really into it, and shouted more than was prudent, probably.

We went to the park the following day, right after they lowered the ropes to let people in. The weather was pretty chilly, around the high 40’s, so there weren’t a lot of people there. We covered half the park by 1:00 in the afternoon—no mean feat. But if you know how to work the system (yay Fast Pass!), you can cover a lot more ground. (We also pack our own food for all but one meal—saves us TONS of money. Let me know if you want more tips.) We saw all of Adventureland, Frontierland, and New Orleans Square. The Haunted Mansion is all decked out with the characters from “Nightmare Before Christmas”, so that was a lot of fun. We had lunch on some outdoor picnic tables at the edge of the Rivers of America, and then covered the majority of Fantasyland and some of Tomorrowland. As the sun set, the holiday decorations glittered with tons of Christmas lights—and Cinderella’s castle was ASTOUNDINGLY beautiful, with icicles and lights just dripping off it.

After debating whether or not to pop over to California Adventure for the resurrected Electric Light Parade or see the Holiday Fireworks show, we opted to stay. By the time we grabbed some seats on Main Street for the fireworks, I knew I was in trouble—the show, the Christmas holiday, the drive, the yelling at dinner, the park—combined with being surrounded by sick folks—were all taking their toll. I could feel the tickle in my throat growing worse, and the exhaustion I felt as I tried to get hot chocolate for everyone for the fireworks was quickly transitioning into fever hot flashes.

I gutted it out, though, and I’m so glad I did. We watched the fireworks and headed back to the room. The following day we let ourselves get a later start. Denise was now starting to come down with something, too, but she was being a trooper about it. We went to California Adventure and Denise and Thing 2 went to A Bug’s Land while Thing 1 and I went to the Tower of Terror. We met up and saw the most fantastic 3-D experience ever before going to a huge play space type area dedicated to the Brother Bear movie. We sat and ate our lunch before hitting California Soarin’ and making our way back to Disneyland.

Denise and I traded kids, and Thing 2 and I rode the Nemo ride while they hit Thunder Mountain (again) and the Matterhorn (again again). We met up and covered a few last rides before sitting down to dinner. We were dragging, all of us, and the two adults were getting sicker by the minute, but we didn’t want to leave. We grabbed some seats at the Rivers of America for the Fantasmic! show, and then drug our weary selves back to the hotel. On the way out, we were extremely glad we saw the fireworks the previous night, as the weather at high altitude was keeping them from happening. In true Disney fashion, however, they had a backup plan—a light show that involved all the holiday lights on Main Street (including the hundreds of them on the giant tree in the middle of town) all synched up to a holiday song.

The following day, we got up and hit the road, taking the long trip back to NorCal. We picked up the dog from Camp Bow Wow (wonderful place, I highly recommend it if you have a pup and need to board it somewhere). Then we stumbled home. A wonderful trip.

Oh. My. God...

Starting in November, you can ride on a real live Airship! Airship Ventures is bringing a Zeppelin NT to the California bay area for "daily sight seeing flights, advertising operations, corporate and event occasions and scientific missions." (Scientific Missions? Woohoo!)



You can take one of two tours from the airport three blocks from my office to see the Russian River Valley or Alexander Valley (both are one-hour journeys round trip), the San Francisco bay (departing from North Oakland airport--also one hour), or even a two hour jaunt from Moffett Field to see the entire San Francisco peninsula.

It's expensive, but man do I want to go. Wouldn't it be a blast to charter a flight with a dozen friends, have champagne and dress up 40's style? I am getting all twitchy just thinking about it...

Don't waste your time and/or money...

[Dear readers: this is a long blog, and there are a lot of italicized words (see, one just went by). This is a sure sign that I am not pleased. So brace yourself. You have been warned.]

Unless you really love the animal/sea creature experience, don't bother going to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.

Now, you know and I know (and I told the kids) that amusement parks are all about the waiting. You spend an hour in line, take a 1-2 minute thrill ride, and you love it because it's worth it. Not so at this park. For some reason I cannot fathom, the majority of the rides we chose had only one car running on them. In the middle of their most peak time--summer weekend day, beautiful weather--they had one car running on ROAR (the 'tallest, fastest wooden coaster in NorCal'). They had a whopping two cars (well, boats really) on their get-drenched-by-water ride (which was only a 45 second ride but still took over an hour to get on).

To that wait, you can add a dizzying and death-defying surprise wait time extension: Discovery Kingdom has tried to add a "Fast Pass" feature to their park. Disney has one, and if you are not familiar with it, it is implemented perfectly. You scan your admission ticket to get a pass which allows you to take a shorter line on the most popular rides. You have to come back during a one hour window, and you cannot get another fast pass until that window arrives. It is brilliant, and with a little forethought and planning enables you to see much more of the park.

Discovery Kingdom's works like this: you pay *extra* money to get a handful of ride coupons that allow you to--get this--cut to the front of the line through the exit ramp. There is no rhyme or reason to it, you just walk up, someone in a DK costume (yes, I get the Donkey Kong reference--it was intentional) takes your ticket, and you walk right on to wherever you choose to sit. Imagine my children's chagrin when, after waiting an hour and a half for their first ride in the park, we were delayed again when we were only two spots from getting on the ride. Someone walked right up and stole one of our seat rows, forcing us to wait not one more run, but two more. And that could have gone on indefinitely.

To make matters worse, the place was staffed horribly. Having managed a retail food operation before, I can appreciate the challenges faced by employers in that arena, but here are a few highlights: the food booth we chose to eat at was staffed by three--yes, three--employees. One at the fryer, cooking up batches of chicken strips and fries (how would you like that job?), and one in each of two windows. So each order took about 3-5 minutes to get to the customer, which with a line of twenty people would equal...oh, look, mommy! We get to wait an hour for our FOOD, too! (I will save the irony of waiting nearly an hour for "Fast" food for another time, and a different blog.)

And not only were they understaffed, they were wrongstaffed. On one of the rides, the operator at the board stood talking casually with another employee and DOING HER MAKEUP WITH AN OPEN COMPACT. How is that for making you feel safe? Not to mention that I witnessed this delightful little spectacle on the water ride, which was moving intolerably slow in the first place. It's a one-minute long ride, for chrissake! And the control panel was literally right next to the line--she had the guts to do her makeup and have her little gossipy chat with her friend right within earshot of all of us in line. When I got up next to them, I simply leaned it and made eye contact, letting them know how fascinating I thought their conversation was. They actually focused on their work after that, for all of ten minutes.

In addition to this loveliness, DK has also instituted a little hidden fee move that is corporate america genius. I had asked the kids to bring along a hoodie for later in the evening when it got chilly, and thought I would just drop them in a locker on the way in. Guess how much a smallish locker cost at the front entrance? NINE BUCKS. I looked at my little group and declared, 'Gentlemen, for nine bucks you can tie your hoodie around your waist and carry it.' I was flummoxed, but not too much so. You see, in the past, they used to have little cubby holes (ala those spaces you had in Kindergarten for your backpack) that you could store your belongings in while you were on the ride. You just crossed the car, put your bag in a cubby, rode the ride, and picked up your stuff on the way to the exit ramp. I figured we would just carry all our stuff and drop it in the cubbies when we got on rides. It would be a pain, but we could work it.

Nuh-uh. See, they now have a park RULE that says you cannot carry ANY items on rides. And--here is the corporate america genius part--they have lockers at the entrance to those rides that you can put your junk in for a dollar. Lest you think you might be clever and use one of those lockers instead, they are time stamped for 120 minutes. Nothing like a hidden charge on every single ride to make you feel like you really are going to enjoy your stay at the park.

And the good stuff doesn't stop there--there are 48" flat screen monitors on nearly every line blaring out advertisements so loud that you have to yell to be heard by the rest of the people in your party. And several of the rides are "sponsored" by companies--Cornnuts, for example--with logos everywhere ala the professional sports venues (which is a kvetch for another time--boy does that little practice shout "we're money grubbing bastages and we don't care if you know it or not"). Speaking of advertising, every single ride we went on had a GEICO ad just before the end of the line: "You are 15 minutes away from the ride. In that amount of time, you could have saved 15% on your car insurance." I shit you not.

Going back to the people we encountered--the DK uniform consists of a neon yellow shirt and khakis. The neon yellow shirt says on the back: "Please keep the park clean, my family comes here too". I wonder if the employees ever read it. Their attitude doesn't indicate that they are even aware it is there. (Google that phrase and you'll find some acerbic reviews by other guests that will confirm my experience was not isolated.)

Oh, and lest you think the visit there was all about the folks who worked there, let me assure you it was not. On walking into the park, we were not handed a map or a schedule or anything. After the main locker incident, I realized they had forgotten (I try to assume the best) to give us a map. I sent Thing 1 to get one, and he returned upset and sullen. I asked why, and he said, 'I picked up a map, and someone snatched it right out of my hand'. I tried to comfort him (again, trying to assume the best), but found I was the confused one. The people at that park were messy, rude and selfish. We saw line hopping like we never had in our lives--I counted no less than forty-five people passing us during our time waiting in line for a ride. That is no exaggeration. People walked by us in both directions like it was a high school dance or something. And right in front of employees who are supposed to enforce the line hop rule (guess they were too busy forcing people to store their stuff in lockers to notice).

Now, look--there are some saving graces at this park. I absolutely LOVE the stingray petting tank, and the shark exhibit. There is a wonderful butterfly conservatory there--a big giant greenhouse with beautiful butterflies in it (we missed it because it is not open the whole day, and we wasted all our time in line, but I went the last time I was there). There are some good shows (the Shouka killer whale show is their piece de resistance). But the rest of the animals look drugged and penned in too small spaces, and the reptile exhibit is no better than our local fish store's.

We got to ride a new attraction (only open 10 days ago) called Tony Hawk's Big Spin, and that ride was AWESOME. They managed to effectively steal a page from the Disney playbook and actually involve you all along the line. There is semi-cool set dressing, and big screens showing the evolution of not just skateboarding, but other extreme sports as well (BMX and FMX, chiefly). Non-Disney parks don't typically do this, and I cannot figure out why. And the ride itself was very cool--imagine combining a tight, smooth, fast rollercoaster with a Tilt-A-Whirl and you'll get a brief idea. And, instead of one of those snap-a-photo-of-you-during-the-ride booths at the end, you can actually get a video of yourself during the ride. Pretty fun, but not enough to save the rest of the experience, which was mostly dreadful.

I was going to argue that it's close to you if you live in Northern California, but after I thought about it a bit, it takes 45 min even if there is no event at the old Sears Point Raceway. You're better off driving an extra hour to Great America, where the rides are 'hecka fun' as Thing 1 says, the place is clean, and the service is better. Or, if you want to stay local, hit the Sonoma County Fair in the next week or so.

ew. Ew. EW...

I frequently listen to this radio show on my drive in to work in the morning. Today they were discussing an article one of them had read pertaining to the disgusting things people leave and do on airplanes. The grossest story, hands-down, was about a woman with flaky heels in flip flops who [warning: not for the weak of stomach] picked the flaky bits of skin off her heel and...wait for it...ate the bits. Can I get an ew, brothers and sisters?

I simply had to read about this myself, so I found an article online from today's Baltimore Sun. The story was focused mainly on the disgusting crap you find in those pockets on the back of seats in airplanes. Apparently, people leave everything from used tissues to dirty diapers in those things. Of course, the print article also had feedback-y quotes from everyone from flight attendants to passengers to a "clinical flight psychologist" (whatever the hell that is). A spokesperson for an airline workers' union posed the question: "Would you hand that off to your server at a restaurant?"

My initial response to this was: "No, but restaurant servers (a) still serve food, which airlines no longer do, and (b) don't charge me hundreds of dollars to occupy a seat for a couple of hours." The more I thought of this, however, the more I realized how that thinking like that is probably the justification of most of the people who leave this unpleasant detritus in planes. Let us all acknowledge the fact that airline ticket prices are a lot of money--it is an expensive business to run. But we can also acknowledge the fact that the way we are treated on airlines is pretty inconsistent with what one might call exceptional customer service. I don't know about you, but I have never, ever walked down a jetway after a flight and thought to myself, 'wow, that was some awesome customer service.'

But then I thought, no--this is a much bigger issue than that. This is a reflection of our society. Who are the people who suffer from vengeance-based seat-pocket-infestation? Our fellow passengers. Yes, I don't like the way the airlines treat me. Yes, I think I should be able to throw that stuff away somewhere (part of my justification for putting my wrappers in that pocket is that the attendants only come by twice during a six hour flight, and there is no place else to put them). And yes, I firmly believe the airlines should spend a couple of bucks to have someone actually clean the effing plane before someone else gets in that seat--or between the last slob and when I get in the seat. But is subjecting the next person to my wrapper leaving fair to them? Nah. It is just more of that inconsiderate, self-motivated behavior that is more and more pervasive in American culture. The bumper sticker says it best: "Common Courtesy is an oxymoron."

So I ask you--nay, beg you, fellow traveler: please, consider the next person when you are disposing of your garbage or other personal detritus on the plane. Or, if you have to clip your toenails on the flight, at least do what that one lady did--eat them. So I don't have to find them in my Skymall magazine.