Rock and roll...

...is loud. And that's part of why I like it. Life is loud right now. And that's part of why I like it, too. In the last seven days, some pretty incredible stuff has happened:

One of my best friends in the whole wide world has returned to California. After a series of some-good-but-mostly-suck-ish adventures in the midwest, Jon is back in town. He drove all the way from Missouri (which I envy) and got a flat tire one and a half hours away (which I do not envy). But he is here, he is staying with me until he gets work and a place of his own, and it is grand to catch up. We have already spent countless times reliving the past and laughing our butts off about the present. Good times.

My kids and I have spent some wonderful time together. We have gone to the Russian River to splash around, and take the dog swimming. We have played board games and watched movies and had popcorn and stayed up late. Thing One came to work with me on Tuesday, and I get to see him again tonight. He is getting so mature, and growing so much--he nearly fills out his bed now, and I can still (barely) remember carrying him like a football. Thing Two is growing, too, although his heart was broken Tuesday when his pet rat passed away. (She had a giant tumor and a couple other smaller ones growing in her, so it was for the best.) He is handling it like a trooper, trying to remember the good times, but it is hard. Other than that, he is also growing like crazy and becoming his own person.

Last weekend a show I am directing opened in Santa Rosa. "Wretch Like Me" is a one-man autobiographical show about growing up into and out of Fundamental Evangelical Christianity, something close to my heart and in my own past. It is a very potent story about religion, but even more so about maturing, finding one's own voice, and how the things that often drive us into difficult situations are also the very things that give us the tools to get back out.

This week, I ran auditions for my own creation, a show called "Affairs of Face" (If you are interested, check my theater company's page for more info.) The turnout was pretty small, but the cast is small, and I am going to put some feelers out. There is still hope. And, both of these projects ("Wretch" and "Affairs") will be part of the very first Sonoma County Arts Fringe Festival this autumn. So I am VERY excited about THAT.

In all of this, I have frequently lost sleep due to fretting about things, panicking about things, and drinking waaaaaaaay too much caffeine. I have not always been my cheery self. However, throughout these adventures, my girlfriend Denise has been stalwartly at my side--supporting me, comforting me, encouraging me, giving me strength and love every step of the way. She has helped out with the show, being "on book" and taking notes for us during the rehearsal process. She has taken care of me when I needed it. And even with the busy-ness of it all, we have spent some wonderful times together.

In reflecting about everything that is going on, I really cannot complain. I am doing what I love, with the people I love, and I cannot really ask for much more than that.

Except maybe win the lottery.

Somewhere in my youth or childhood...

I have a new someone-special in my life, and wanted to take the opportunity to share some things about her. Her name is Denise, we met in theater a few years back, and she is a beacon in my life. I recently found a scrapbook of some of the events leading up to our current relationship status:

Here is Denise, introducing herself to me:


(actually, that is her as Helene in Sweet Charity at the Sixth Street Playhouse. We met while doing this show.)

This is a photo of her picking up a donut and some coffee for me:


(actually, that is her as Dawn in Lobby Hero at the Sixth Street Playhouse, a show that is not about the coffee.)

Here she is, upset over not having cream for the coffee:


(actually, that is her as Suzy Hendrix in Wait Until Dark with the Raven Players)

This photo was taken at the hospital, when she was giving me the prognosis on my donut poisoning:


(actually, that is her as Caitlin O'Hare in Over The River And Through The Woods at the Sixth Street Playhouse)

An image taken at great personal risk to the photographer, of Denise at a secret ritual to bring me back from the dead:


(actually, that is her as Hecate in Macbeth at the Loading Zone, a show we did together)

And here is a photo of our first kiss:


(actually, that is her as Hecate in Macbeth again, with yours truly as the doomed Scottish lord)

I hope she will take as much joy from this post as I have from knowing her for as long as I have, and that she will be as encouraged by it as I have been by her constant support, friendship and love.

(all photos culled from www.deniseelia.com)

"You know that feeling you get, when you're leaning back in a chair, and you're just about to fall...

...but you don't? I feel that way all the time." (Steven Wright)

I know the last couple of posts have been rather heavy, and probably stirred things up for you, my dear readers, in your own bubbly pots. But I wanted to give a hearty thanks to each and every one of you for your comments and encouragement. In the last couple of days, I have received some wonderful words from Blender, Denise, and an incredible e-mail from my mom. (Yes, she reads this blog, so watch your language!) (Just kidding, she knows we're adults.) (Well, she knows you are an adult--she knows me better than that.)

Anyway, I have quite a bit more to say, but it can wait. It was more important to me to thank you for your blog comments, private messages and e-mail. This is a support net I didn't expect to find below me. You are all, each and every one of you, wonderful. Thank you.

Five things--not an easy post...

So, Cara tagged me in her blog and asked me to respond. If you are anything like I am (and I bet you are), this will be a very hard question to answer:

What are five things you’ve said or done in the past twelve months that you’re most proud of?

Interesting, since, I could easily pop off five things in the past twelve hours that I feel poorly about. Why is it that we are so good at self-criticism, but so poor at self-honor? Perhaps for me it is because I believe so firmly that self-aggrandization is a bad, bad thing. ("It's like that fella Bill Shakespeare once said: a man who blows his own horn usually ain't worth a toot.") That translates to me avoiding it like the plague, which ends up meaning I am (a) all about trying to let my deeds to the talkin', and (b) oblivious to things that are good about me. (In fact, just writing that last made me cringe.)

However, because I am also up for a good challenge, here goes:

1. I have survived.
If you read my last post, you know the last twelve months have been stressful. In the face of losing several friends and one family member, changing careers and seeing my dream work environment turn into a nightmare, ending a relationship of nearly eighteen years at the behest of the other half, losing my retirement account, moving twice, and losing my favorite vehicle of ten years, it has not been a smooth sail. Cara took credit for staying alive through a tough time; I will do the same. I believe that in the course of those human events, I have emerged a stronger, different, better person, and have a stronger faith, greater wisdom, and better understanding as a result.

2. My life balance is good.
I'm not feeling it right at this moment, mind you, because my rehearsal schedule is grueling (we open Friday). But in general, I have time with my kids, a job I can do that pays well and is flexible with the kids and the acting thing, and I have some fun times with friends. I am busy, as I always have been, but it is good busy now, for the most part.

3. My theater career has taken off.
Also in the past year, things performing-wise have gone off the chart. I worked all last summer on an amazing project--we did a version of Macbeth with only five actors. One played Macbeth, and the other four of us played very antagonistic witches, who shapeshifted from one character to another in an attempt to get the poor Scot into lots and lots of trouble. At the last minute (four weeks from open), I was asked to jump into the lead. It was very tough, but I felt so accomplished afterward. Over the holidays I co-produced a version of "A Christmas Carol" that was moderately successful. Then in the spring I did "The Wizard of Oz" at the Mountain Play, a 3,800 seat amphitheater on the top of Mount Tamalpais. It was my first experience working with a big, professional theater like that one. I did a number of spoken word pieces, including the incredibly thought-provoking "Guantanemo" in May. Now I am working on "The Music Man". It has been an incredible year.

4. I have let myself get close to someone.
This has not been easy. I have some serious self-esteem issues (had them before the divorce, now they are amplified). I have deep-seated questions about how good I am for someone else in a long-term relationship, and that has of course colored my opinions about how good I can be for someone else in even a casual relationship. But I am trying to release that crap and just enjoy myself and grow. The result is that I am growing closer to one particular young lady who is a blessing and has helped me to see things about myself that I never really did.

5. I have started molding a new faith for myself.
I spent nearly two decades in one particular faith, and events led me to re-evaluate my position on the whole faith issue. I have spent the last three years snooping around in other gods' laundry, and have found some interesting things. I don't have a label for what I believe, and it isn't easy to describe. The idea of karma weighs in heavily, and so does string theory. In a nutshell, however, I have experienced it practically in a bevy of blessings that are in direct relation to the outlandishly tough things I have experienced in life.

There you have it. In retrospect, it looks like a lot of global-type things, and not very specific, so perhaps I should do more work here. But it is nice to get a perspective on things. I can tend to get bogged down in little details, and lose gratitude when I don't keep the good in mind.

Got your own list? Make it. You'll feel better.

Back in the saddle, again...

(cue Gene Autry:

I'm back in the saddle again
Out where a friend is a friend...

Thanks to a friendly nudge from Cara, I have returned from the land of not-ether to at least check in with you all. It has been a crazy week and a half. (Well, month, if you've been paying any attention at all.) Since my last cheesy post, I have had several adventures, not the least of which was a birthday celebration to add to the books.

Last Sunday was my (#currentyear-#birthyear)nd birthday. I had remarked some time ago to my current interest, Denise that my birthdays in the past always seemed to be a fizzle, or something I arranged myself, and she jumped into the breach. I was told several weeks ago to plan nothing for the weekend of August 3rd, and to be prepared for anything.

I was not.

Oh, I thought I was ready for anything, but she and some of my other friends are very, very devious. I was on my way to Denise's house (a granny unit behind another friend's house) when it struck me that she told me to come over "any time after 12:15". This was suspicious to me, since she usually isn't that time specific. But when I pulled up to the front house, there were no cars around. On top of that, the couple that lives in the front house were not in party mode--he was washing his truck, and she was in a robe sipping coffee on the porch.

When I walked in the back, though, there they were: people from all walks of my life--theater, family, friends--yelling "Surprise!". There was a HUGE pile of food, all good, and wine and beer--including a version of my favorite brew (don't know why brown ales are so rare, but they are not easy to find--still trying to figure out who played that card). There were balloons, many cards, three bottles of champagne just for me (they were gifts), gifts. The weather was PERFECT and we all had an amazing time.

But it didn't end there. After the party wrapped around 4:00pm, we dropped my dog off at the overnight place she likes and checked in at the Hotel La Rose in historic Railroad Square in Santa Rosa. Then we went to the Sonoma County Fair. Denise had never been to a horse race before, so we caught the last race of the day (we did not win, unfortunately). We saw all the stuff I missed about the place, took a ride on the Ferris Wheel, and left to get ready for dinner.

We got rather dressed up, and headed over to a stellar Italian place called Ca Bianca. Beautiful old Victorian building, converted to a restaurant. The service was amazing, the food was delicious, and we had the place pretty much to ourselves. (We got there right before closing, but never felt rushed to get out of their hair.) Denise had also put together a "spirit of birthdays" thing--a memory from my folks of a year of my life (spirit of birthday past), a card from her (present), and some cards from my boys (yet to come).

It was an incredible day. As Mr. Autry would say: "Whoopi-ty-aye-yay!"

Oh, the irony...

Today marks what would have been my 16th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating it, I am (sometimes not-so-) patiently awaiting the completion of the divorce paperwork. Everything is filed; there is a six month waiting period before it becomes legal and complete and all that. It feels kinda weird. We were together for seventeen years when we realized it might be over, and we have been living separately for over a year now. But it was a pleasant enough break up--the kids are better off (I am convinced), she has a live-in boyfriend, and I have met someone I am very interested in. As I am fond of saying, it wasn't one of those splits where you come home from work one day and all your stuff is on the sidewalk and the locks have been changed.

The irony hit me because I am doing a play today about the detainment facility at Guantanemo Bay. I called the ex to tell her it was fitting--her long, wrongful incarceration was finally over--but she didn't pick up. I doubt she reads this blog, but I hope she wasn't offended. Just found it ironic.

Gotta run--had just enough time between shows to run home and feed the boys. Going back up to do another one tonight.

Well, I did it...

...but I didna like it. Today I filed the divorce paperwork. The ex and I were in rare form, joking and having a blast. The guy helping us at the courthouse was perplexed, but relieved to see us not at each other's throats, as I assume he sees on a frequent basis. (This based on the conversation going on in the cube next to us.) We actually saved a couple of weeks by going there, as he could serve her with the paperwork personally. Now I have to wait 31 days before filing the final forms. The dissolution is finalized as of six months and one day--which would make November 7 of this year the big day.

It was good, in the sense that it gets "official" things like legal paperwork, etc. on their way to resolution. It was really hard emotionally, however. She has a boyfriend she is moving in with, and I am seeing someone frequently, so it isn't like we are going to get back together or anything. It is just difficult to think that the fifteen years we spent married is just...over. Too much emotion for one day.